My First-Term College Evaluation (The interesting parts)

Who are you? How would you define yourself?

I’m Ahna Dwyer. I’m a nineteen year old AroAce person. I use She/They pronouns and don’t feel all that attached to gender as a concept.

I’ve been described as quiet or apathetic by some, but I see myself as caring and compassionate,
it’s just not in a very “outloud” way. I help when I can and I want the best for most people.

I think I am fairly smart (although there will always be many things I don’t know), creative, adaptable,
and pragmatic. I have trouble seeming the way I feel inside to others outside of myself, but I’m hoping I’ll find a way to even that out someday.

How does (the dominant/hegemonic) culture define you?

I was once fairly influenced by dominant culture. I believed that I had crushes on the boys in my class, I believed that I’d end up getting married one day and have kids. I believed that school and grades were what determined my worth to others and if I wasn’t actively working for society, I didn’t deserve to live in it. I thought about my “dream job” and what I would major in in college. I dismissed my neurodivergency as my own personal failure, that I was just too stupid for the system and everyone had the same problems, I was just too sensitive. 

I realized at an early age that I could never actually meet these standards, but that appearing to defy them would get me hurt or shamed or punished by my community. I based my life around fading into the background and sharing my opinions selectively around the people I don’t trust. I still have issues with that, as my theory that everyone is unpredictable or volatile has, unfortunately, not been disproven, no matter how much I may want it to be.

I feel like I have been fortunate in my ability to see things for what they are now. I’m only human, so unfortunately I will never reach true objectivity, but I do try to see every side and gather answers before speaking or acting. The downside to this can be inaction or a lack of external proof of my opinions or my trustworthy-ness, however.

What are some central events that have shaped your personal worldview? What premises, ideologies, and ideals have informed your understanding of self and the world?

It may sound strange, but my life philosophy comes from a Tumblr post I read that has stuck with me for having so concisely summed up what I’d felt for so long.

That being, “Do no harm, take no shit”.

I have spent more of my life on the internet than I have in “the real world”. This has the downside that I am lacking in actual life experience and physical connection to the world around me, but I find I wouldn’t wish for anything else. The internet has connected me to so many minds and worldviews, expanded my thoughts on myself and others, and given me a sense of compassion I don’t think I could have learned anywhere else. I have always loved learning. Feeling connected over mutual interests to people I would never have met and the ability to see and engage in the differences and nuance of other cultures and people is something I wouldn’t trade for anything else.

I believe that if it doesn’t hurt anyone, one’s lifestyle is great (and also not my business unless one specifically invites me to be a part of it).

I have seen and learned from the experiences of others and have had the amazing opportunity to grow up accepting myself for who I am. I didn’t feel bad about my relation to gender, learned that being Aspec is, although less common, totally normal and human, never minded what other people think of my body. I give everyone the acceptance and non-judgement without reason that I wish the adults in my physical life had afforded me.

What has schooling taught you about yourself and the world? 

(Buckle up, it’s a long one)
I’ve been through every type of school there is. In the first eighteen years of my life I have gone to twelve different schools, never for more than two years, so I suspect that I may have been slightly removed from the amount of indoctrination I would have had had I stayed with one curriculum.

I’ve had many alternative pre-schools based on acceptance, love, and cuddling (wasn’t a fan of that last one).

I went to Sunday School at the age of three and began preaching what Jesus “would and wouldn’t like” to a rapidly increasing audience of toddlers (I grew out of that quickly, but I was great at gathering my fellow youth with speeches).

I’ve been to a summer-camp/weekend school where I learned to watercolor and tell stories. I learned about indigenous myths and traditions, looked at cool plants, learned to cook and make herbal tinctures from nature, and make connections with other children and nature.

I went to a “faerie” camp where I learned about Irish and Celtic myths and folktales. I dyed and made my own little tunic and learned to row a boat (badly. I hated the water). I wouldn’t shut up or stop asking questions, so the instructor gave me a little willow branch that she said could answer “yes or no” questions. I asked if Santa was real. It said no. I had figured, so I didn’t care, but I made the group of children that I’d accidentally gathered cry.

Public school for elementary. All the teachers tried to “fix” me in the only way they knew how. It turned out to be weird sensory exercises and accidental emotional abuse, but I did learn from that that adults are just as emotional, fallible and unsure as children are. They took away my only friend my age, in some attempt to get me to “branch out and socialize”. I ended up only talking with one of my teachers, my cat, and, had you asked me who my best friend was, I’d have honestly said “The boulder in my front garden”. My first grade teacher was a great influence though. She taught me that things get better and said often that I’d find myself and be accepted more in college.

Went to a Waldorf school and learned some German, some eurythmy, did plays, and traded “Silly-bandz” and Bella-Sara cards (They were like Pokemon, but with magical horses instead).

Homeschool online for half a year. I didn’t learn what it wanted me to, but I did learn how to hack their systems and digitally bypass doing any actual work whilst still getting the grade for it. (Don’t remember how I did it now, but still.)

Another town’s elementary school for the other half of third and then fourth. I was taught that I was insignificant and unless I was exemplary, I was worthless to society (and therefore undeserving to live in it). I believe now that my worth to “society” doesn’t determine my worth at all, and that that mentality is ableist and thoroughly untrue, but it still affected me for a long time. I hated their factory-like system and learned to read how dead-inside teachers felt through looking at their eyes and their lesson plans. I’d made friends there, but I was too tired and ready to escape to notice until after I’d left.

I spent a single day at a Christian school. The nuns glared at me for having socks short by two centimeters. They locked all the windows and doors, then closed the gates in the hall to make sure they didn’t have any runners. I started talking to the only other new student, a Hispanic girl. We went to the communion and were both denied bread and grape juice for being “unsaved”. They asked me if I was baptized, but they just looked at her and scoffed. The day was over. I never went back.

“Odyssey Montessori” was next. The teachers were irresponsible and we were left alone a lot of the time. There were occasional teachings about African culture, like tales of Anansi and The Pot of Wisdom, or how to play a Djembe (I’ve forgotten now). I liked those times, though they were few and far between. I ended up learning more from the show my friends had introduced me to, “Horrible Histories”. Though it was mostly Euro-centric, it was still fun and educational. I made friends with yet another teacher who would go on to tell me that I’d find my way in college.

“The Little School on Vermijo” was somewhat similar to the college I'm going to now. It was a one-room school house with a limited number of students. I learned a lot there. I made friends, I started filming videos, I learned archery, I studied Chinese and British teas and ceremony. 

I still tied my worth to my grades. It was around this time that the stress of all my school experience, combined with personal issues, sunk me down into more severe insomnia, depression, and anxiety. I learned to hate myself for being a burden, though I think it was more about “teacher-overwhelm-looking-like-indifference-to-my-issues” than the school’s problem. I did have a lot of fun and learned a lot, but was hard on myself for still being incapable of excelling in the education system or showing “provable” test results.

I retreated to online-schooling for a little, but I found the mainstream education lacking. I graded the pamphlets the teachers handed out in red pen and called them out on their mistakes. I got angry when the teacher had asked “What’s had a more important impact on the world, Women’s Rights or 9/11?” and then claimed that there was “no real answer”. I answered, “I feel like maybe half the population was more important than America’s airports”. She was not impressed. I quit shortly after.

Another homeschool-aid type school. It was two days a week and I fell into a new schedule: Wake up, get dressed according to my comfort level, went in to school, zoned out, got dress-coded for something stupid, went to music class, planned my elaborate suicide, ate lunch, felt better, went to Social Studies and thought “Maybe it’ll be better next time”. It never was. I quit again.

I decided to just learn on my own time. I began fading in and out of reality, dealing with depression, and passively learning in the meantime.

Then, I came to the college I'm in now. I have no idea what to think of it. I like the opportunity and the conversation. I learn from the life experience and the students. I think most of all, it's has given me the chance to start learning from an experiential place, rather than the theoretical that I’ve clung to most of my life. I feel like maybe I’m learning to interact and branch out. To finally voice my opinion and figure out how to relax around other people a little.


What do the memories associated with the journey you have taken to get here teach you about yourself?

I am a learner at heart. I have the dedication to make it a lot farther than I thought I could and I’m going to try my damned-est to make it farther. I have a good sense of what is right and how to steer myself away from what is imposed upon me, rather than what is true and necessary. I will be the person I needed back then for others and I will strive to make change and spread knowledge as long as I live.

If a friend, colleague, lover, and/or family member were to ask you to “define your understanding of your world/the world,” how would you go about doing so?

“I understand that I understand nothing”. I am a part of an incredibly complex ecosystem and I shall do my best to help it thrive for the brief amount of time I have within it. I may not be cosmically important, but I make meaning for myself and that’s what inspires me to live. Everyone is on a different path and I’m not one to interrupt, but I am happy to have played a part in our uniquely unrepeatable shared pocket of time and space.

What did you learn in this course, how did you learn it, and what does that mean to and for you? What are you taking away from this experience? How will you use what you have learned here in future settings?

I have learned about the perceptions of others and have been given hope that we are all in this together and, if this class is a suitable microcosm of the rest of the world, that profound change and learning is possible. I want that hope and I will use the remembrance of it on the days when I cannot see it for myself.

How would you assess your ability to complete your self-care plan? What were some of the major challenges you experienced when attempting to stick to your plan? In what way(s) was it helpful for you (within the context of this course and beyond)?

I never really created a “self-care plan”. I am fairly conscious of how not to wear myself out and how much I can take before I need rest. I may even air too close to the side of caution, so maybe my self-care came in the form of taking risks and changing things up.

What sort of impact did you make in our class, and how did you make it? How did your attendance and participation enhance our learning community in positive ways? In what ways might your choices around attendance and participation have had a negative impact on our learning community or your group projects? Did you catch yourself being distracted by your smartphone or other technologies? How did your participation help to shape our work together in this co-created environment?

I don’t know if I ever changed anything in class. I don’t think I had much to say. I was always in attendance and listening, but I feel I didn’t really change or learn as many new concepts as I’d have liked to. I feel like that’s my fault or that, even though it seemed like I was trying as hard as I could, that I’m still missing something and that I’m the one to blame for being stupid (I don’t want to garner any pity. It’ll probably be something I have to prove to myself). I never felt distracted though. I set reminders and took notes on my phone throughout class, but it never got in the way of the material. There were a few days when being cold made it more difficult to focus, but that was only once or twice and I learned to bring a thicker jacket.


How well do you believe you were able to “claim your education”? What were some challenges you encountered along the way? In what ways were you “stretched” throughout this course? What were some more process-oriented/less explicit takeaways for you?

I haven’t really felt “stretched” at school yet. I have felt “stressed” over turning in assignments and battling my own forgetfulness and desire to procrastinate, but in hindsight, those weren’t too bad.

These questions are embedded in the questions above… but, as you move toward the final step of claiming your final assessment, consider this: What happened for you here? What meaning does this course have for you? Now what?

Life is continual self-change. That’s all I know for now.